The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
