God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
