i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
