Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
What a dumb baby whore.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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