If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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