I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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