My friends, they love my intelligence
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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