Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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