I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
