gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
