cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
