She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
