I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
