I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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