come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
