So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
