i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
