i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
