I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My vagina just recognized that song.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
