he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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