Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
