I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
