Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
