a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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