I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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