my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
