Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
