I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
