come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
