The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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