How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
