Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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