life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
