im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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