I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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