I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
