I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
