New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
