So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
