onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
FUCK WHALES
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
