youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think I just shit out all my problems.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
