You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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