Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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