just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
