I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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