i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
