i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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