6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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