I wanna bring you to show and tell
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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