I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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